Moneyless (a month ago)

Being moneyless is not as bad as i thought.

For the last few weeks, I was moneyless, pennyless, dollarless, whatever you call it
and in this world, moneyless=hopeless. (but money is not equal to hope?!)

So hopeless i was that i became really really dependent on my friends, that without their help, i am surely dead by now.I borrowed money from them to pay for class fund and other s***.

I depended on them as my niche (its true, basically they fed me)and in my hopeless days, i learnt to become more thick-skinned (do i mention that i am very thick-skinned already? take it literally-yes, i have lots of fats beneath my skin, and figuratively)
I learnt to ask, ask and ask for more, and I shall receive. and it really requires a lot of courage.

i cursed my fate of being poor (and of course, the economic system where you cant live without money but i dont blame my parents) and i dreamily counted days to the D-day. FYI, D-day means the day that i was granted with money from "above".
I dreamt of "all the things i could do...if i have a little money..."thanks, ABBA. yes, rich men own the world, and im just hanging there, trying not to fall to the bottomless pit of hell of poverty.

It sounds very sad, surviving without money. And during this time, I really really understand the frustration behind the song "money3x" by ABBA
I dreamt of being ridiculously rich, so rich that i use moneyto wipe my a**.("duitnya bisa buat cebok :p")

So what happened to Darwin's theory "survival of the fittest"?it may as well become survival of the richest. I envy the richer ones whose lives seem so happy, as money in this world equals to power and yeah, sometimes money can buy happiness.For example, if going to the cinema with your friends make you happy, then you cannot get happiness without money, unless somebody is very rich and very generous to give you money anytime, anywhere.

However, when i said i envy the riches, i did not say i hate them.because not all riches gain at the expense of the poor.some really care and willing to go to the extra miles to help the poor.example: my friends who give me food, pay taxi fare, share laundry loads...etc.
Of course, I dont want to be too dependent because nice people like them are not always around, how am i going to survive then?

But still, i envy them. They can get what they want, without worrying if they cannot afford that thing. They also have no guilt to purchase things that catch their eye. Not like poor people, who constantly tell themselves: "no, you cannot afford that strawberry unless you want to starve next week to compensate. buy apple. the cheap ones; no, dont buy the cereal that carries health claims. they're too expensive. eat cheap biscuit or cook instant noodle, or better still: ask your friends to give you food."

and being poor, i think i become fatter because of all the cheap junk food, yet my wallet is getting skinnier and skinnier. (kanker: kantong kering)

and now, the money has come. we shall rejoice, yeah!!!

but, no, it does not solve the problem.

now that i have money, i have to think hard.
i have to repay people for their kindness.
i have to return money to whoever i owe.
now that my landlord/landlady know i have money, bill started to come like a flock of water buffalo running from a group of hungry lionness. towards me.


so. when i was moneyless, i just face everything with a big, innocent smile and say " sorry, i have no money" when required.
now that i have money, when people ask me to pay, i have to open my wallet reluctantly and kiss the notes goodbye (man, their lives in my money were really short!)
and since my money was gone to pay debts, i am back in my moneyless state.

unfortunately, my status here does not grant me any scheme for financial aid or whatsoever.
i may call this situation "discrimination", but im afraid i will get a slap in the face, kick in the butt, whipped, caned, etc (shiverrr...) and called "ungrateful"

yeah. life is never fair. gulp.

some may ask " ask your parents for money lah..."
but that indicates they dont know my parents. my parents are already struggling to keep their head above water, therefore i cannot afford to pull them down and let them drown.

anyway, being moneyless is not as bad as i thought.

because previously i thought being moneyless equals to daily lamenting session, and scraping plates, not letting any single grain of rice wasted, and carrying metal detector around, hoping to find some loose money abandoned by the owner.

but actually, in fact, being moneyless means no need to carry my wallet everywhere because there is no use anyway, and testing how good and genuine are your friends.
although they may not understand your current situation, at least they do not shoo you away.

yes, there are many things that money cannot buy. therefore, being moneyless does not mean the end of the world.